Since a few of y’all are here for my TED Talk and this is now apparently what I do when I’ve been cooped up for too long, let’s discuss how I selected the man I’d marry. You may think this is a joke but it’s not, and bless him for putting up with me and, in general, loving weirdos. (hint: If he loves you you’re also a weirdo. Embrace it. You’re delightful.)
In high school I dated a guy for a while, as in, *maybe a couple years, off and on. My senior year I had a foot operation and had to hobble around in a cast for a while, so he sweetly came over to the house to hang out with me during the day and carry my ass back and forth to the bathroom and watch TV with me. True love, right? Read on.
At around this same time I became OBSESSED with Band of Brothers, so he indulged me and watched it with me. True love, right? Read on.
I think he hated it. He complained and talked through it the entire time. I shushed him through most of it, because BAND OF BROTHERS and Damian Lewis as Dick Winters ♥♥♥. I was captivated.
Maybe we didn’t break up right after he talked through my favorite thing on television ever, but we might as well have. And I vowed that if I ever did marry someone he’d be able to sit through a Band of Brothers marathon with me and actually enjoy it. For real. I think I wrote it down somewhere.
Fast forward a while, and I met a guy through my then-anonymous-I-talk-about-politics-and-write-goofy-stories blog. (Yeahhhh.) I liked him, but I was still convinced that people you met online–this was the early 2000s–were murderers, so we talked on the phone for a while and I ran him through some tests to figure out why he was so persistently interested in meeting me and to make sure it wasn’t because he wanted a Candace Skin Suit. Then we went on our first date and when he came back to my dorm I ran him through another test. Guess what. We watched an episode of Band of Brothers. I’m terrible at first dates, but I guess I’m hella good at thoroughly screening potential life partners to make sure they’re ready for a lifetime of the annoying shit I’ll inevitably subject them to.
HE QUOTED IT AS WE WERE WATCHING IT. “Got a penny?” And that, my friends, is how I fell for this man *fifteen-ish years ago. Never mind his great sense of humor, spot-on impersonations, huge heart, or hot bod; the guy could sit through Band of Brothers with me, and that sealed the deal.
I chose to forgive him, but only narrowly, when he later talked over a Harry Potter movie as we were watching it in the theater. (Don’t you make fun of my boy Severus; he’s da real MVP.)
*Don’t make me do math because quarantineritatequila.