(written in 2005)
Dear Tooth Fairy,
It has been a while since our last correspondence, and for this I apologize. Despite my best efforts, my mothers pleas had an effect and I have been unable to knock any teeth out since my childhood. Now I miss your presence so much that I arranged for a big ugly wisdom tooth to take up residence behind my top left molar. I knew its removal would bring us together once more.
I don’t know your policy regarding reimbursement for wisdom teeth, and I don’t know if 20-year-old children still fall under your jurisdiction. I write today not only to encourage you to remember those of us who suffer from the teeth we lose well after childhood, but also to ensure that you are aware of my upcoming surgery.
The Beverly Cleary books and piles of change that you generously donated during my childhood were greatly appreciated; however, I have grown out of re-reading The Mouse and the Motorcycle , and the dimes and pennies are all long gone. In light of recently-inflated gas prices and the draining effect Europe had on my checking account, I am in dire need of more substantial funding.
As I’m sure you are well aware, removal methods employed for common baby teeth are not nearly as expensive as are the operations to remove wisdom teeth. I can no longer ask dad for a pair of pliers or tie my tooth to the doorknob. Instead, I must pay an oral surgeon to do the job. At my age, tooth removal is not only more painful and invasive, but also more costly.
So when you find a tooth under my pillow, I encourage you to think of my ever-thirsty gas tank and my shrinking budget before you make a generous deposit to the pillow upon which I rest my chipmunk cheeks.
As a special “thank you” for all you have done throughout the years, I have extended my accepted payment methods to include Visa, Mastercard, and personal checks, in addition to the traditional green…and if you’re still into providing paperbacks, I’m interested in Robert Harris’s Pompeii.
I look forward to our reunion in twelve days.
P.S. Do you hang out with Harry Potter? If so, I’ll accept his autograph in place of the paperback book.