The WTF Bottle: Iron Man Has One.

A couple years ago I threw out all of our old plastic sports bottles and stopped buying bottled water. Then I went online and ordered two of these, the Kor One hydration vessels.

I felt good about donating a portion of my purchase to an environmental cause. I also liked the fact that the clear blue canister would definitely encourage me to drink more water. I’m visual. I see food; I am hungry. I see water; I am thirsty. I see prettily packaged food or water, and I need it. Put a dead rat inside one of these bottles and I might still salivate over it; that’s how bad I am. Okay NO, that’s gross, but anyway you get my point. (Please don’t serve me a dead rat to try to get me to prove it.)

When B saw the shipping forms we had to have a discussion about why it was appropriate for me to spend $60 on a set of water bottles. When the argument that water always tastes better when it looks like it came from a clear, crystal blue ocean didn’t work, I may or may not have argued that I bought the bottles in an effort to prevent any BPA-induced testicle shrinkage on his part. *ahem*

I hoped B would carry his Kor One bottle and become as enthusiastic about hydration as I was. He carried it for a few weeks and then stopped, claiming that he was bothered by all the random comments he got every time he carried it to work. Whatever! I still carried my pretty blue Kor bottle every day. I even took advantage of the “stone” feature of the bottle to write my own chuckle-worthy motivational message, for when my workouts turned intense and I felt like wimping out and going home early: Never give up. Never surrender.

People are strangely captivated by the Kor bottle. I’ve had many people remark at how “cool” it looks and ask where I got it, and I’ve had even more people stop me to ask exactly what my Kor bottle is. When I first carried it to work, a few of the mechanical engineers in my building started cracking jokes about how I was carrying around a missing piece of one of the planes they were building. Then the jokes spread and other people asked questions, stopping me constantly to ask “WTF is that?”

WTF is it? Why, it’s the WTF bottle!

When I changed jobs and moved into another department of the company, my new coworkers wanted to ask questions about the bottle too. This group took it to a whole new level by calling my WTF bottle a nuclear whatsitwhoseit or a subatomic particle smashing thingamajig. And they kept it up. And they repeated their jokes five thousand times. And then more people caught on and used the water bottle as an awkward conversation starter. One day when somebody remarked at how difficult it seemed it would be to take the top off the WTF bottle and somebody else misheard the words “take your top off,” a whole new round of (awkward and inappropriate) jokes was born.

I’ve moved on from that job, too, and still the comments continue on a regular basis. The latest was this evening at the gym, when a guy followed me to ask “What is that thing?” while he pointed to my hands. Since I happened to be juggling my car keys, a bosu ball, and a pair of hand weights at the same time I was carrying the bottle, it took a few seconds to register. Then it hit me: Of course! He wants to know about the WTF bottle!

So if you’re feeling lonely and blue and you just want someone to say “hello” “WTF is that thing you’re drinking out of?” or make awkward sexual references at your expense, you should purchase a Kor One hydration vessel. It’ll make you popular overnight.

Don’t believe me? Ask Tony Stark.