The Bird Incident

Phone Call #1:

“Um, J? Hey, sorry to bother you, but, hehehehe, there’s an owl in our chimney!!! Hehehe! We just got home from the company happy hour and heard it in there, and since you’re our wildlife expert–hahaahaha!–what should we do if we have an owl in our chimney? And also I am a little bit buzzed.”

“Uh, okay. Well here’s what you need to do. He needs to get a pair of work gloves and reach up there and grab it by the ankles, and be ready with a blanket to catch it if it flies out. It won’t hurt you; just grab it and then put it outside.”

“Okay. We’ve got that, I think. He’s wearing my flower print garden gloves because he doesn’t know where his work gloves are.”

“Haha! Well, I guess those will work, too. B’s a big tough Marine; he can do this.”

“Haaaahaha! Ooooookay.”

Phone Call #2:

“Ummm, J? So there wasn’t just one bird; there are two. The mockingbird flew out and B is chasing it around the office right now and EEK! I think it just pooped on me. And we can’t catch it; it’s flying in circles around us. NO POOP! NO POOP!”

“Hahaha! Okay, well here’s what you do. The two of you need to grab a sheet and corner it. Then call me back, okay?”

“Okay.”

Phone Call #3

“Haaaaaahahahahaaa!!! So you told me to get a sheet or a blanket, and I got a sheet. And every time the bird flew over me I wrapped myself in the sheet for protection–Hahahahahaha!–because that’s all I could think to do at the time, and now B is–hahahahahaha!–cussing at me because I’m calling you instead of helping. But there’s still an owl in the fireplace and I really want to save the owl but I’m not sure howwww to save the owwwwwl.”

“Haaahahaha! Okay. So you need to seal the owl into the fireplace with a blanket then in a couple of hours when it flies out you grab it and put it outside.”

“Uhhh. Okay. How should he grab it? By the feet?”

“Yes, by the feet. Or by the wings, kind of like a burrito or a taco.”

“Oh, that’s strange to compare a bird to Mexican food. (shouting) Honey, he says you should grab it by the feet or like a burrito, so pretend you’re at Chipotle! Here you go! I’m sealing you into the fireplace with this sheet so the owl–and you–hahahaha!–can’t get out!”

I am not a food item!

Phone Call #4

“He’s a hero! He did it! He reached in there and got the owl and all is well! Yayyyyy!”

“Hahaha! Great!”

“So he wants to know what kind of owl it is. He says it was light brown, kinda fat, and it clicked at him while he carried it outside.”

“That’s probably an Eastern Screech-Owl. And the clicking was its way of saying, ‘I’m going to kick your ass,’ in owl language.”

“Yeah, clearly it does not like being compared to a food item.”

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