When Roaches Attack

C turns to step into the shower and spots a roach on the shower curtain, a roach which has been sitting there watching her the whole time she brushed and flossed her teeth at the sink. This sends her flying in a naked frenzy–yes, a naked frenzy–into the bedroom where B is reading a book waiting to fall asleep.

C: SH*TSH*TSH*TTHERE’SASONOFAB*TCHONTHESHOWERCURTAIN!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEMAKEITGOAWAYEWWGROSSGROSSGROSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

B: (laughing) What? A roach? (slowly puts his Kindle down and walks into the bathroom to play hero)

C: EWWWWWWWWWGETIT!KILLIT!GROSS!!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

B: (laughing) Okay, where are ya? (shakes shower curtain, roach falls to the ground and starts walking toward the bedroom)

C: EEEEEEEEEEEEIT’SCOMINGTOWARDME!!! GET IT! KILL IT! IT’S OVER HERE!!!

B: (still laughing)  Okay, got it. (scoops up and flushes roach) It’s gone now.

C: (shivering) EWWWWWGROSS. Thank you. (moves slowly to bathroom, scanning walls and floors repeatedly for more intruders) Are you sure there’s not another one? EEEEEEEEEEEE!

B: I’m sure. I shook the curtain like six times. (laughing) You should see yourself right now.

C: Shut up. Is it really gone? (repeatedly pokes shower curtain then steps back in case another roach comes flying out) Okay. (shivers)

B: Would you shut the bathroom door while you shower? The light is in my face.

C: NO! Because if I see another one of those awful things I need an escape route!

B: There won’t be another one. At least pull the door closed most of the way.

C: Okay. (shuts the door and steps into the shower)  …  AIIIIIIIIIEEEEESONOFAB*TCHTHERE’SANOTHERONEANDIT’SLOOKINGATME!!! (vaults out of shower, through the door, and onto the bed) AEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESOGROSSSOGROSSSOGROSS!!! KILL IT!

B: (laughing uncontrollably) Really? You’re kidding me.

C: I stepped into the shower, put my head under the showerhead, and it was RIGHT THERE LOOKING AT ME!!! It’s on the inside of the curtain! The inside! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

B: (shaking shower curtain) Are you sure? I don’t see anything. (shakes curtain)

C: YES! I’m not making this up! It was right. THERE! Right in my face!

B: (shakes curtain again) I’m not sure there’s one here… THERE IT IS! Oh no you don’t! (squishes roach and flushes it)

C: (still dripping wet, still crouched on the bed) I can’t go back in there. I have to finish my shower but I can’t go back in there.

B: (laughing) EEEEE!!! I can’t believe you! Really? Over a roach? (more laughter, becoming more and more uncontrolled)

C: (laughing, crying, and still naked and dripping soapy water all over the bed)

B: Are you crying?

C: NO! YES! DAMMIT! I HATE THEM! I nearly stepped on a full-grown scorpion in our hallway the other day and that didn’t freak me out, but these stupid things always do!

B: (laughing) Oh sweetie.

C: I’m okay now. Really. (takes the world’s fastest shower, with the curtain and the door open)

Later, C crawls into bed, where B stops reading and begins laughing immediately at the memory of what took place a short while earlier.

C: It’s not FUNNY! They’re GROSS!

B: EEEEEE!

C: It was IN MY FACE! RIGHT THERE in my FACE! Like this! (wiggles fingers in B’s face like antennae)

B: (laughing) I’m sure.

This morning:

C: (walks by in the hallway, dragging the decorative shower curtain)

B: What are you doing?

C: I’m removing their camouflage so they can’t sneak up on me in the shower.

B: You’re getting rid of our shower curtain?

C: We can take showers without a decorative curtain until we move. The liner is clear so I’ll be able to see the roaches coming. And you can just deal with it.

B: (laughing) Oh sweetie.

C: You laugh. Next step: I’m going to buy every EcoSmart product ever made. Laugh it up, mister; laugh it up. Mama’s about to obliterate every insect within a five-mile radius. Also, lest you forget, I KILL SPIDERS FOR YOU, BIG TOUGH HE-MAN!

Note: B admitted today that the first roach was perhaps the largest one he’s ever seen. When I timidly asked him to show me how big it was, he held his fingers FOUR INCHES apart. Oh heebie jeebies.

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One thought on “When Roaches Attack

  1. Michelle

    My boyfriend and I have played out this scene several times!!!! Glad I’m not the only one who scans the bathroom before I shower… haha!

    Like

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