When Roaches Attack

C turns to step into the shower and spots a roach on the shower curtain, a roach which has been sitting there watching her the whole time she brushed and flossed her teeth at the sink. This sends her flying in a naked frenzy–yes, a naked frenzy–into the bedroom where B is reading a book waiting to fall asleep.


B: (laughing) What? A roach? (slowly puts his Kindle down and walks into the bathroom to play hero)


B: (laughing) Okay, where are ya? (shakes shower curtain, roach falls to the ground and starts walking toward the bedroom)


B: (still laughing)  Okay, got it. (scoops up and flushes roach) It’s gone now.

C: (shivering) EWWWWWGROSS. Thank you. (moves slowly to bathroom, scanning walls and floors repeatedly for more intruders) Are you sure there’s not another one? EEEEEEEEEEEE!

B: I’m sure. I shook the curtain like six times. (laughing) You should see yourself right now.

C: Shut up. Is it really gone? (repeatedly pokes shower curtain then steps back in case another roach comes flying out) Okay. (shivers)

B: Would you shut the bathroom door while you shower? The light is in my face.

C: NO! Because if I see another one of those awful things I need an escape route!

B: There won’t be another one. At least pull the door closed most of the way.

C: Okay. (shuts the door and steps into the shower)  …  AIIIIIIIIIEEEEESONOFAB*TCHTHERE’SANOTHERONEANDIT’SLOOKINGATME!!! (vaults out of shower, through the door, and onto the bed) AEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESOGROSSSOGROSSSOGROSS!!! KILL IT!

B: (laughing uncontrollably) Really? You’re kidding me.

C: I stepped into the shower, put my head under the showerhead, and it was RIGHT THERE LOOKING AT ME!!! It’s on the inside of the curtain! The inside! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

B: (shaking shower curtain) Are you sure? I don’t see anything. (shakes curtain)

C: YES! I’m not making this up! It was right. THERE! Right in my face!

B: (shakes curtain again) I’m not sure there’s one here… THERE IT IS! Oh no you don’t! (squishes roach and flushes it)

C: (still dripping wet, still crouched on the bed) I can’t go back in there. I have to finish my shower but I can’t go back in there.

B: (laughing) EEEEE!!! I can’t believe you! Really? Over a roach? (more laughter, becoming more and more uncontrolled)

C: (laughing, crying, and still naked and dripping soapy water all over the bed)

B: Are you crying?

C: NO! YES! DAMMIT! I HATE THEM! I nearly stepped on a full-grown scorpion in our hallway the other day and that didn’t freak me out, but these stupid things always do!

B: (laughing) Oh sweetie.

C: I’m okay now. Really. (takes the world’s fastest shower, with the curtain and the door open)

Later, C crawls into bed, where B stops reading and begins laughing immediately at the memory of what took place a short while earlier.

C: It’s not FUNNY! They’re GROSS!


C: It was IN MY FACE! RIGHT THERE in my FACE! Like this! (wiggles fingers in B’s face like antennae)

B: (laughing) I’m sure.

This morning:

C: (walks by in the hallway, dragging the decorative shower curtain)

B: What are you doing?

C: I’m removing their camouflage so they can’t sneak up on me in the shower.

B: You’re getting rid of our shower curtain?

C: We can take showers without a decorative curtain until we move. The liner is clear so I’ll be able to see the roaches coming. And you can just deal with it.

B: (laughing) Oh sweetie.

C: You laugh. Next step: I’m going to buy every EcoSmart product ever made. Laugh it up, mister; laugh it up. Mama’s about to obliterate every insect within a five-mile radius. Also, lest you forget, I KILL SPIDERS FOR YOU, BIG TOUGH HE-MAN!

Note: B admitted today that the first roach was perhaps the largest one he’s ever seen. When I timidly asked him to show me how big it was, he held his fingers FOUR INCHES apart. Oh heebie jeebies.


One thought on “When Roaches Attack

  1. Michelle

    My boyfriend and I have played out this scene several times!!!! Glad I’m not the only one who scans the bathroom before I shower… haha!


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