Married, (Nearly) Seven Years

During dinner.

Wife: (leans over, whispers in ear) Wanna go home… get comfortable… and play Borderlands for an hour tonight?

Husband: (grins) Yeah!

Wife: Okay. Pretty sure that reaction was on par with what I’d have gotten had I done this. (leans in, whispers in ear) Wanna…go home and <edited> have sexy time?

Husband: Yeah. I’m tired from ripping up all that tile flooring yesterday.

Wife: Seven years of marriage, there it is.

A short while later.

Waiter: Sir, your card is expired.

Husband: Well, that explains it. I’m still carrying the old one. (searches wallet) My new one’s not here.

Wife: (groans)

Husband: It’s not here.

Wife: (pays for dinner) Let’s get home so you can try to find it then call the bank. Here’s the number if you want to call now. I’ll drive.

Husband: Maybe it’s not that bad.

Wife: It is that bad. I told you this would happen, and I’m sure someone’s out using your card right now.

Husband: Oh no. Here we go. Didn’t you lose your card at the gas station once?

Wife: Oh yeah. Well…

Husband: What.

Wife: Actually, there was another time, at ikea… (laughing) They called me over the loudspeaker, “C, please report to the kitchen section.”

 

Husband: HA!

Wife: But hear me out, because this is frustrating. I don’t say these things just to hear myself talk. I foresee bad things happening, so I try to advise you so that you can avoid them. Use it, use me, to your advantage! I told you you would end up losing your card if you carried both of them around!

Husband: Sssshhhh. Nooooo.

Wife: Nope, here I go. (laughing) I told you to shred the old one when I gave you the new one, and you’ve been carrying both around for how long? This is the second time in two days. Yesterday you didn’t latch the dog’s crate like I told you to, because I said she might hurt herself trying to squeeze out of it, and look what happened, she got out and greeted us at the door when we got home.

Husband: Can I just be a boy, and you be a girl, and we’re in love?

Wife: (laughing) You’re not weaseling your way out of this. I owe you two big “I told you so”s.

Husband: Just a boy. Just a girl. In love. (covering face with hands)

Wife: A boy and a girl, huh? In love. Try seven years married, buddy.

Husband: A woman. And a man. In love.

Wife: I love you, but that’s BS; you can’t always get out of things by being cute and funny. (laughing) No, that’s…what was that song you were singing the other day? Goat wash, monkey piss? That’s goat wash and monkey piss.

Husband: (laughing) It’s monkey wash, donkey rinse.

Wife: …or was it horsey wash, monkey piss?

Husband: Jesus Christ, woman!

Wife: (laughing. and laughing more. then laughing harder.)

Husband: DON’T DRIVE OFF THE ROAD!

Wife: Whew! Yeah, I almost had you take the wheel for a minute there.

Husband: (shakes head, laughing)

Wife: So…you wanna pick up froyo on the way home?

Husband: No! I’m still full from dinner! How are you not? Where does the food go in there?

Wife: Up, then around. Then down. (motions with hand) So, who’s up for froyo?

Husband: I’m full.

Wife: Ooh! I can make homemade froyo tonight! What flavor do you want?

Husband: I don’t want any.

Wife: Okay, cherry it is, then. Mmmm, cherry froyo.

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