“Food”

Last week I had another giggle inducing online chat with my dear friend E, who among her other qualities is really good for that sort of thing. She sent me a link to a description of the Bud Light Apple-Ahhh-Rita with the comment, “Next thing you know they’ll be releasing pumpkin-spice-a-ritas.”

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I can picture it now. Across the globe United States, the Mason jar images on this packaging will awaken deep urges within yoga pants wearing, Pinterest pinning, pumpkin spice latte consuming, middle class women who will flock to grocery stores en masse to stock up on this seasonal beverage. (Shut up, shut up, and shut up, by the way.)

The reviews are certainly compelling.

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You can use it to marinate tough meat or make ceviche, but this stuff, like battery acid, should really never come in direct contact with your digestive tract.

I really appreciate the next guy’s honesty.

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I picture someone with such a well-established beer rater profile only ever consuming a Bud Light “rita” as part of a Tosh.0-style dare. What was your prize, buddy? Was it worth it?

I’ve said before that I’m afraid of all things Taco Bell because of the seemingly universal adverse effects their menu items seem to have on humans and animals alike. After reading these reviews I’m inclined to believe that the Apple-Ahhh-Rita would pair nicely with something Awww-Full like the gut bomb that is the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme.

My friend E posits that one could also “grab a tall boy and drink one of these with some Lay’s cappuccino potato chips because apparently the food industry has lost its mind.”

Cappuccino what-what?

As it turns out, in this year’s Do Us A Flavor contest Lay’s has indeed included a bizarre new cappuccino flavor, and there are some folks posting to the Lay’s Facebook page about how mmmtasty it is.

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Potato chip sneak attack!Screen Shot 2014-09-03 at 3.32.19 PM

Way to kill the surprise ending.

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If your garbage can is named some variant of “beer rita,” then okay.

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Last will and testament reads, “When I die, I want my ashes spread far and wide over the fake food items.”

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“Here, jerk, have some of my grandpa chips.”

Then the language turns creative as folks turn to profess their, feelings, for another flavor, something to do with mango and salsa.

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“The taste was like walking around a Bath & Body works store with your mouth open.” Very descriptive. This conjures images of a bunch of people (perhaps those yoga pants wearers mentioned above?) walking around a Bath & Body Works store with their heads turned back and their mouths wide open, Pac-Man style.

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“There I was, just walking around Bath & Body Works trying to find the pumpkin spice scented stuff, when the urge to consume all the scents just overcame me. My mouth flew open before I could control it, and the next thing I know I wake up to find myself here…”

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“My mom used to wash my mouth out with soap when she caught me swearing. Now she makes me eat peculiarly body wash flavored potato chips instead.”

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The dog says, “Duh, it’s a bath product. I’ll eat your shoes, your steak, or my poop, but never your bath products. Silly human.”
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The birds, on the other hand, weren’t smart enough to walk away. Small brains.

Now we’re on to the Q&A portion of this session.

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No, you may not. Also, no more Q&A for you. Gross.

Here’s somebody who already named their favorite flavor in a previous voting round.

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And they really stand by their decision.

Here’s someone who takes a stand in support of the wasabi ginger flavor, and she wants alla y’all haters to back the eff off now!

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Anyway, back to starting crap. Here’s another very colorful description, one that’s not limited to a single flavor. You brave foolish soul, you tried more than one variety?

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Also, why do you lick so many feet?

This commenter wins with a final rallying cry.

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We want leakage! We want leakage!

I agree with this author when he says, “I’ve got no problem with a little kinkiness in the kitchen, except when it’s carried out as part of a crass marketing stunt by Pepsi’s junk-food division.”

Go home, guys; you’re drunk.

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(Do let us know when hot ham water makes it into the running though, would ya?)

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