Hey, here’s another ridiculous gift buying guide!
“We all love yoni steaming, but for some, figuring out exactly how to get positioned for the steam can be a bit tricky.” Really? Do ALL of us love steaming our vaginas? When did this become a thing? Should I be stressing about how to get into position to steam my yoni? Also, why are we calling it a yoni now? I feel like if I adopt this into my vocabulary I’m one day doomed to slip and call my mother-in-law a vagina since the grandma-but-not-grandma name she has selected for herself is only one letter away from yoni: Noni. Finally, can we discuss the fact that this board-with-a-hole-in-it gift is intended for pairing with a Home Depot Homer bucket? Nothing says fancy like squatting over a Homer bucket to steam yer lady parts!
Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer
The toothpaste tube always says, “Squeeze from the bottom and flatten as you go up.” Screw that; I’ve got a $244 toothpaste tube press to do the heavy lifting for me. Hallelujah!
“…this 100% stainless steel dispenser safely stores this essential personal care item with characteristic German efficiency.” *insert joke here about characteristic German efficiency in the bedroom* Ten points to whomever has the cojones to buy one of these and set it up on their desk at work like it’s a business card dispenser.
The fine print reads: “Find your own damn jellyfish; we got what we wanted when we convinced you to spend $1600 on a fishtank.”
One hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars just to say, “I work out.”
Aquaovo Ruby Water Filter
For only $1,100 you can replace your boring Brita pitcher with something that resembles Big Hero 6. Yeah, that’s a character from an animated kids’ movie, but what do you care when you’re tossing around $1k for a water filter?
My first thought, “Does it vibrate?” was affirmed when my husband walked into the room and said, “What are you looking at? That’s a golden dildo.”
Modern Dinner Bells
Tagline says, “It’s the only way we call our kids to supper.” Can you imagine an apron-clad Gwynnie on the back porch of her
ranch sprawling estate, ringing the dinner bell to call her kids in from the fields pool to tuck into the dinner she her chef prepared? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Husband catches me browsing again and says, “Are you f*cking kidding me? Eight thousand dollars for a chair that looks like a bathtub?” To be fair, I was looking at the white version of the heated lounge when he saw it, so the comparison was an easy one. For your information it’s a bum-heating bathtub.