Making Fun of Fancy Things

Hey, here’s another ridiculous gift buying guide!

 

Devi Steam Seat

“We all love yoni steaming, but for some, figuring out exactly how to get positioned for the steam can be a bit tricky.” Really? Do ALL of us love steaming our vaginas? When did this become a thing? Should I be stressing about how to get into position to steam my yoni? Also, why are we calling it a yoni now? I feel like if I adopt this into my vocabulary I’m one day doomed to slip and call my mother-in-law a vagina since the grandma-but-not-grandma name she has selected for herself is only one letter away from yoni: Noni. Finally, can we discuss the fact that this board-with-a-hole-in-it gift is intended for pairing with a Home Depot Homer bucket? Nothing says fancy like squatting over a Homer bucket to steam yer lady parts!


Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer

The toothpaste tube always says, “Squeeze from the bottom and flatten as you go up.” Screw that; I’ve got a $244 toothpaste tube press to do the heavy lifting for me. Hallelujah!

 

Canoe Condom Dispenser

“…this 100% stainless steel dispenser safely stores this essential personal care item with characteristic German efficiency.” *insert joke here about characteristic German efficiency in the bedroom* Ten points to whomever has the cojones to buy one of these and set it up on their desk at work like it’s a business card dispenser.

The Darwin Tank

The fine print reads: “Find your own damn jellyfish; we got what we wanted when we convinced you to spend $1600 on a fishtank.”

 

Hock Design Goldloft 18k Gold Dumbbells

One hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars just to say, “I work out.”

 

Aquaovo Ruby Water Filter

For only $1,100 you can replace your boring Brita pitcher with something that resembles Big Hero 6. Yeah, that’s a character from an animated kids’ movie, but what do you care when you’re tossing around $1k for a water filter? 

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Tatcha Akari Gold Massager

My first thought, “Does it vibrate?” was affirmed when my husband walked into the room and said, “What are you looking at? That’s a golden dildo.”

 

Modern Dinner Bells

Tagline says, “It’s the only way we call our kids to supper.” Can you imagine an apron-clad Gwynnie on the back porch of her ranch sprawling estate, ringing the dinner bell to call her kids in from the fields pool to tuck into the dinner she her chef prepared? Yeah, didn’t think so.

 

Galanter & Jones Helios Heated Lounge

Husband catches me browsing again and says, “Are you f*cking kidding me? Eight thousand dollars for a chair that looks like a bathtub?” To be fair, I was looking at the white version of the heated lounge when he saw it, so the comparison was an easy one. For your information it’s a bum-heating bathtub.

 

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