He Explains the Divergent Series

“Oh, I know this one!” he says. “Here, I’ll tell you the story.”

There’s this girl named Prim. The society she lives in is grouped into puritans, lawyers, scientists, daredevils, and hippies. Oh, and untouchables, since every good story needs a caste system. The untouchables are going to turn out to be special people who have the ability to do two things at the same time; they can simultaneously rub their tummies and pat their heads.

Miles Teller is there too but he’s not playing the drums; he’s just kind of a dick. The lawyers and scientists have an alliance and they’re trying to get rid of the puritans. The puritans are going to leave their current cage, and in puritan fashion, trade for a different one.

So anyway, Prim joins the daredevils, which is a weird underground tattoo culture that embraces hepatitis. Then she falls in love with this guy Numbers who also has tattoos.

Prim also has a brother who is a total goob like Matt Damon who’s like “how do I hold my hands when I run?” He gets upset and says, “you can’t wear that; it’s not the right color.”

Prim and Numbers run away to live with the hippies in Farmerland and then Big Face Bad Haircut shows up after a while and he has, well, a big face and a bad haircut.

Thankfully, the untouchable special people are going to finally bring the series to an end.

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