He Explains the Divergent Series

“Oh, I know this one!” he says. “Here, I’ll tell you the story.”

There’s this girl named Prim. The society she lives in is grouped into puritans, lawyers, scientists, daredevils, and hippies. Oh, and untouchables, since every good story needs a caste system. The untouchables are going to turn out to be special people who have the ability to do two things at the same time; they can simultaneously rub their tummies and pat their heads.

Miles Teller is there too but he’s not playing the drums; he’s just kind of a dick. The lawyers and scientists have an alliance and they’re trying to get rid of the puritans. The puritans are going to leave their current cage, and in puritan fashion, trade for a different one.

So anyway, Prim joins the daredevils, which is a weird underground tattoo culture that embraces hepatitis. Then she falls in love with this guy Numbers who also has tattoos.

Prim also has a brother who is a total goob like Matt Damon who’s like “how do I hold my hands when I run?” He gets upset and says, “you can’t wear that; it’s not the right color.”

Prim and Numbers run away to live with the hippies in Farmerland and then Big Face Bad Haircut shows up after a while and he has, well, a big face and a bad haircut.

Thankfully, the untouchable special people are going to finally bring the series to an end.


My Groupon Addiction

Wife: But if you think about it, my Groupon/LivingSocial/AmazonLocal/Moolala spending isn’t that bad because I only buy things I would have otherwise bought, but I’m getting them at a discount!

Husband: What?

Wife: I’m trying to demonstrate to you that my Groupon obsession is not as bad as you make it out to be.

Husband: No, it’s still bad. You’re like, “Ooh, awesome! I can have 300 Tasmanians come to my house and do the Chuchamonga dance on my lawn! Sweet deal!”

Wife: Grrrr.

Husband: Chuchamonga! Chuchamonga! (while doing the Lindsay Bluth chicken dance)

Old People

Wife: Would you please get the cheddar cheese out of the fridge?

Husband: Yeah. So anyway…blah blah blah blah blah…

Husband: I was supposed to do something. What was it?

Wife: The cheese.

Husband: Oh right. Got it. My short term memory sucks.

Wife: Mine too. We’re gonna have a bad time of it when we’re old.

Husband: Wow. Yeah. You’re gonna fart, and I’ll say ewwww you farted! and then we’ll both forget about it then we’ll be like, it stinks! who farted?

Wife: I like how in your story I’m the one who does the farting. Now shut up and get the damn cheese so I can cut it.



The Power of Suggestion

Wife: (through a huge mouthful of arugula) I think arugula is my new favorite leafy green. Nom nom nom.

Husband: Really?

15 minutes pass. B has moved into the kitchen and is rummaging around in the fridge while C is in the next room.

Husband: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Wife: What’s wrong?

Husband: Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Gross! Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Wife: WHAT IS IT. Do I need to help you with something?

Husband: Arugula tastes like cyanide and monkey piss! Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh! I will NOT make that mistake again!

Wife: Had I known the power of suggestion worked that well on you, I’d have used it to my advantage long ago!


Harry Potter, the end

C: It’s so sad. It’s all over now. I’ve been reading those books since I was a middle schooler, and this is the end of the story, for good. There’s no more Harry Potter…ever.

B: But they killed the Moldyworts! That’s happy!


He also sang Let’s Get Physical as Harry and Voldemort dueled on-screen, but he quickly stopped when I clapped my hand over his mouth.

Now he’s letting me mope around the house in a semi-depressed state, and he’s not making fun of me for it. That’s love.

Not A Planeteer

B: (singing) Captain Planet, he’s our hero! Gonna take the bad guys down to zero!

C: It’s pollution. He takes the pollution down to zero, not the bad guys.

B: Earth! Wind! Fire! Something else. Water. Rain. HURRICANES!!!

C: (laughing) It’s earth, fire, wind, water, HEART!

B: Heart? That’s lame. Hurricanes are cooler. HURRICANES!!!

C: Here we are, six years into our relationship, and I’ve just now discovered that you’re not a Planeteer. I am so disappointed.

B: Watch out for the HURRICANES!!!

A Burger Story

We blame episodes like this one mostly on the faulty ear protection that B was issued in the military, and partly on his occasional inability to pay attention.


C: I finished reading A Dirty Job, and it was hilarious.

B: Yeah, I thought so too. What are you reading now? In The Woods? What’s that?

C: It’s a murder story.

B: A burger story? What?

C: Yes, it’s about a hamburger.

B: Whaaaat?

C: I said murder! Murder, murder, murder!

B: Haha. Buuuurger.