Hey, here’s another ridiculous gift buying guide!
“We all love yoni steaming, but for some, figuring out exactly how to get positioned for the steam can be a bit tricky.” Really? Do ALL of us love steaming our vaginas? When did this become a thing? Should I be stressing about how to get into position to steam my yoni? Also, why are we calling it a yoni now? I feel like if I adopt this into my vocabulary I’m one day doomed to slip and call my mother-in-law a vagina since the grandma-but-not-grandma name she has selected for herself is only one letter away from yoni: Noni. Finally, can we discuss the fact that this board-with-a-hole-in-it gift is intended for pairing with a Home Depot Homer bucket? Nothing says fancy like squatting over a Homer bucket to steam yer lady parts!
Cedes Milano Toothpaste Squeezer
The toothpaste tube always says, “Squeeze from the bottom and flatten as you go up.” Screw that; I’ve got a $244 toothpaste tube press to do the heavy lifting for me. Hallelujah!
“…this 100% stainless steel dispenser safely stores this essential personal care item with characteristic German efficiency.” *insert joke here about characteristic German efficiency in the bedroom* Ten points to whomever has the cojones to buy one of these and set it up on their desk at work like it’s a business card dispenser.