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July 24, 2014

Girl at the checkout counter: “Has anyone ever told you you look like Kate, you know, like Prince William’s Kate?”

Well no, they haven’t. (Probably because I don’t.) But if shopping at Home Depot in my work clothes gets me such flattering compliments, I’m going to schedule more after-work Home Depot stops.


July 23, 2014

Wife: I want to go see an active volcano together. Let’s add that to our list.

Husband: F that. I want to live. I don’t like volcanoes.

Wife: C’mon! Live on the wild side!

Husband: You never know when it’s going to blow. There’s a reason people die; it’s because they’re taken by surprise. (insert list of catastrophic volcano eruptions throughout history)

Wife: Seriously?

Husband: Yeah. Especially if I’m preparing for longevity by eating mostly plants. If you want to go traipsing around volcanoes I’m gonna start smoking and eating burnt steak every night.

A Good Run

July 22, 2014

While I was cooking dinner this evening, B interrupted to give me a long hug and a kiss. Then this:

B: We’ve had some good times, haven’t we baby?
C: Yes, I think so. but you say that like you’re about to put me out.
B: Haha! Yeah, I’m planning to sell you when we go to Europe.
C: Oh. Okay.
B: I think you’ll do all right for yourself.

Ode To My Office Neighbor

July 21, 2014

Ode to my office neighbor who blares pop music all day long:

Hey, I just met you
and this is craaazy
But here’re some headphones
so wear them maybe.

Early Wake-Up

July 20, 2014

There was that one time (yes, ONE TIME) when I actually woke up before my husband did on a Saturday morning. I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to surprise him with breakfast.

Then our old, rusty, to-be-replaced kitchen faucet blew up and water sprayed everywhere, so instead of fresh coffee and a hot breakfast, B woke up to, “Sweetheart, I need help RIGHT now!” and had to help me cap the geyser in our kitchen.

The end.


July 19, 2014

B: I hope they burst into flames and a herd of donkeys that have been eating nothing but asparagus for a month come along to try and “put them out” but fail because the fire is so intense because it’s fueled by all their bad Karma so instead they’re just on fire and seasoned with donkey asparagus pee

B: #postable

A Compliment

July 18, 2014

Notice the transition:

C: A man just walked by me and said, “Excuse me ma’am, has anyone told you yet today how beautiful you are?”

B: (laughing, grabbing my butt) Did you say, “nope!”?

C: No, I said “thank you” then I beelined back to you.

B: It was an old guy, right?

C: No. Somebody our age. Clean cut.

B: (Stops laughing. Scans parking lot.)


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