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August 18, 2014

Husband: (singing) Oh little buttercup, my buttercup, she makes messes!

Wife: Are you singing about me? ‘Cause I’m not really buttercup material.

Husband: Yeah, you’re right.

…so now he’s singing about milk thistle instead.

Shoe Sale

August 15, 2014

Husband, sorting the mail and reading it to me:

“OMG. DSW wants you to know they have news. Big, exciting, stop-everything-you’re-doing kind of news. You’ve gone premiere, b*tch! Total. Freakin’. Gratification. Faster rewards certs, triple points days, free next-day shipping, and private passion parties.”

I think he ad libbed just a bit.


August 13, 2014

C: I think I’d like to change clothes before we head out to meet them this afternoon.

B: Sweetie, you don’t need to try to look nice. You’re already like Penny from The Big Bang Theory here; it’s just the nerdy guys and you.

C: Actually, I only wanted to change my clothes because these pants hang off me like a potato sack and I’m having trouble not showing my underwear.

B: Ooooh. Gotcha.

C: But I’m not REALLY like Penny because she’s an airhead. RIGHT?

B: (silence)

Russian Rubbish?

August 8, 2014

…and the paint job is signed “Inspired by Gotye’s music video. You know the one.”


August 4, 2014

Tonight one of the guys at the front desk of my gym DETAINED me because I lost my temporary access card.

Guy: I’ll look you up. Last name?

Me: (spells name)

Guy: Is your first name Roxanne? (grinning)

Me: Are you just making that up?

Guy: Yeah.

Me: Do I LOOK like a Roxanne? (in a slightly meaner tone than I intended; oops)

Guy: Uh, yeah. I think it’s your eyes.

All I can think of is the song about the hooker.

Beefcake Pantyhose

July 30, 2014

C: What ARE beefcake pantyhose?

B: I don’t know. What’s the devil’s haircut?

C: Duh. A high and tight. Score one for the wifey!

Funny Story

July 28, 2014

Wife: I have a funny story for you, but I can’t tell you until after Christmas.

Husband: Are you cheating on me?

Wife: OMG. Really, B?

Husband: Are you pregnant?

Wife: Like I’d tease you with that info! My news is not life-altering.

Husband: So you have cancer?

Wife: I give up.


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