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Beefcake Pantyhose

July 30, 2014

C: What ARE beefcake pantyhose?

B: I don’t know. What’s the devil’s haircut?

C: Duh. A high and tight. Score one for the wifey!

Funny Story

July 28, 2014

Wife: I have a funny story for you, but I can’t tell you until after Christmas.

Husband: Are you cheating on me?

Wife: OMG. Really, B?

Husband: Are you pregnant?

Wife: Like I’d tease you with that info! My news is not life-altering.

Husband: So you have cancer?

Wife: I give up.

Because WINE

July 26, 2014

C: Who are you waving at?

B: Kix Brooks. He’s standing behind you.

C: Is he someone you know?

B: Uhhhh…yeah.

C: (to Kix) Hey! Don’t you own the winery? I saw your picture over there.

Kix: Yeah…(pause) So how’s the wine?

B: (whispering as Kix joins us at the bar) Sweetie, Brooks & Dunn. KIX BROOKS & Dunn. You totally missed that, didn’t you?

Oops.

Ulta

July 25, 2014

Wife: What were you doing out there?

Husband: I vacuumed your car.

Wife: WOAH. Uh…thank you!

Husband: You wanna go with me while I go get my hair cut? You can go shopping at Nordstrom Rack while I’m there.

Wife: What’s going on? You cleaned my car and you’re encouraging me to go shopping?

Husband: Yeah, maybe while you’re out you can stop at Ulta and pick up some more of my hair stuff for me?

Wife: Mystery solved. You just want to avoid having to go inside Ulta, don’t you?

Kate

July 24, 2014

Girl at the checkout counter: “Has anyone ever told you you look like Kate, you know, like Prince William’s Kate?”

Well no, they haven’t. (Probably because I don’t.) But if shopping at Home Depot in my work clothes gets me such flattering compliments, I’m going to schedule more after-work Home Depot stops.

Volcanos

July 23, 2014

Wife: I want to go see an active volcano together. Let’s add that to our list.

Husband: F that. I want to live. I don’t like volcanoes.

Wife: C’mon! Live on the wild side!

Husband: You never know when it’s going to blow. There’s a reason people die; it’s because they’re taken by surprise. (insert list of catastrophic volcano eruptions throughout history)

Wife: Seriously?

Husband: Yeah. Especially if I’m preparing for longevity by eating mostly plants. If you want to go traipsing around volcanoes I’m gonna start smoking and eating burnt steak every night.

A Good Run

July 22, 2014

While I was cooking dinner this evening, B interrupted to give me a long hug and a kiss. Then this:

B: We’ve had some good times, haven’t we baby?
C: Yes, I think so. but you say that like you’re about to put me out.
B: Haha! Yeah, I’m planning to sell you when we go to Europe.
C: Oh. Okay.
B: I think you’ll do all right for yourself.

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