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“Food”

September 8, 2014

Last week I had another giggle inducing online chat with my dear friend E, who among her other qualities is really good for that sort of thing. She sent me a link to a description of the Bud Light Apple-Ahhh-Rita with the comment, “Next thing you know they’ll be releasing pumpkin-spice-a-ritas.”

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I can picture it now. Across the globe United States, the Mason jar images on this packaging will awaken deep urges within yoga pants wearing, Pinterest pinning, pumpkin spice latte consuming, middle class women who will flock to grocery stores en masse to stock up on this seasonal beverage. (Shut up, shut up, and shut up, by the way.)

The reviews are certainly compelling.

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You can use it to marinate tough meat or make ceviche, but this stuff, like battery acid, should really never come in direct contact with your digestive tract.

I really appreciate the next guy’s honesty.

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I picture someone with such a well-established beer rater profile only ever consuming a Bud Light “rita” as part of a Tosh.0-style dare. What was your prize, buddy? Was it worth it?

I’ve said before that I’m afraid of all things Taco Bell because of the seemingly universal adverse effects their menu items seem to have on humans and animals alike. After reading these reviews I’m inclined to believe that the Apple-Ahhh-Rita would pair nicely with something Awww-Full like the gut bomb that is the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme.

My friend E posits that one could also “grab a tall boy and drink one of these with some Lay’s cappuccino potato chips because apparently the food industry has lost its mind.”

Cappuccino what-what?

Read more…

Buttercup

August 18, 2014

Husband: (singing) Oh little buttercup, my buttercup, she makes messes!

Wife: Are you singing about me? ‘Cause I’m not really buttercup material.

Husband: Yeah, you’re right.

…so now he’s singing about milk thistle instead.

Shoe Sale

August 15, 2014

Husband, sorting the mail and reading it to me:

“OMG. DSW wants you to know they have news. Big, exciting, stop-everything-you’re-doing kind of news. You’ve gone premiere, b*tch! Total. Freakin’. Gratification. Faster rewards certs, triple points days, free next-day shipping, and private passion parties.”

I think he ad libbed just a bit.

Penny

August 13, 2014

C: I think I’d like to change clothes before we head out to meet them this afternoon.

B: Sweetie, you don’t need to try to look nice. You’re already like Penny from The Big Bang Theory here; it’s just the nerdy guys and you.

C: Actually, I only wanted to change my clothes because these pants hang off me like a potato sack and I’m having trouble not showing my underwear.

B: Ooooh. Gotcha.

C: But I’m not REALLY like Penny because she’s an airhead. RIGHT?

B: (silence)

Russian Rubbish?

August 8, 2014

…and the paint job is signed “Inspired by Gotye’s music video. You know the one.”

Roxanne

August 4, 2014

Tonight one of the guys at the front desk of my gym DETAINED me because I lost my temporary access card.

Guy: I’ll look you up. Last name?

Me: (spells name)

Guy: Is your first name Roxanne? (grinning)

Me: Are you just making that up?

Guy: Yeah.

Me: Do I LOOK like a Roxanne? (in a slightly meaner tone than I intended; oops)

Guy: Uh, yeah. I think it’s your eyes.

All I can think of is the song about the hooker.

Beefcake Pantyhose

July 30, 2014

C: What ARE beefcake pantyhose?

B: I don’t know. What’s the devil’s haircut?

C: Duh. A high and tight. Score one for the wifey!

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