Husband: (singing) Oh little buttercup, my buttercup, she makes messes!
Wife: Are you singing about me? ‘Cause I’m not really buttercup material.
Husband: Yeah, you’re right.
…so now he’s singing about milk thistle instead.
Husband, sorting the mail and reading it to me:
“OMG. DSW wants you to know they have news. Big, exciting, stop-everything-you’re-doing kind of news. You’ve gone premiere, b*tch! Total. Freakin’. Gratification. Faster rewards certs, triple points days, free next-day shipping, and private passion parties.”
I think he ad libbed just a bit.
C: I think I’d like to change clothes before we head out to meet them this afternoon.
B: Sweetie, you don’t need to try to look nice. You’re already like Penny from The Big Bang Theory here; it’s just the nerdy guys and you.
C: Actually, I only wanted to change my clothes because these pants hang off me like a potato sack and I’m having trouble not showing my underwear.
B: Ooooh. Gotcha.
C: But I’m not REALLY like Penny because she’s an airhead. RIGHT?
Tonight one of the guys at the front desk of my gym DETAINED me because I lost my temporary access card.
Guy: I’ll look you up. Last name?
Me: (spells name)
Guy: Is your first name Roxanne? (grinning)
Me: Are you just making that up?
Me: Do I LOOK like a Roxanne? (in a slightly meaner tone than I intended; oops)
Guy: Uh, yeah. I think it’s your eyes.
All I can think of is the song about the hooker.
C: What ARE beefcake pantyhose?
B: I don’t know. What’s the devil’s haircut?
C: Duh. A high and tight. Score one for the wifey!
Wife: I have a funny story for you, but I can’t tell you until after Christmas.
Husband: Are you cheating on me?
Wife: OMG. Really, B?
Husband: Are you pregnant?
Wife: Like I’d tease you with that info! My news is not life-altering.
Husband: So you have cancer?
Wife: I give up.