C: What ARE beefcake pantyhose?
B: I don’t know. What’s the devil’s haircut?
C: Duh. A high and tight. Score one for the wifey!
Wife: I have a funny story for you, but I can’t tell you until after Christmas.
Husband: Are you cheating on me?
Wife: OMG. Really, B?
Husband: Are you pregnant?
Wife: Like I’d tease you with that info! My news is not life-altering.
Husband: So you have cancer?
Wife: I give up.
C: Who are you waving at?
B: Kix Brooks. He’s standing behind you.
C: Is he someone you know?
C: (to Kix) Hey! Don’t you own the winery? I saw your picture over there.
Kix: Yeah…(pause) So how’s the wine?
B: (whispering as Kix joins us at the bar) Sweetie, Brooks & Dunn. KIX BROOKS & Dunn. You totally missed that, didn’t you?
Wife: What were you doing out there?
Husband: I vacuumed your car.
Wife: WOAH. Uh…thank you!
Husband: You wanna go with me while I go get my hair cut? You can go shopping at Nordstrom Rack while I’m there.
Wife: What’s going on? You cleaned my car and you’re encouraging me to go shopping?
Husband: Yeah, maybe while you’re out you can stop at Ulta and pick up some more of my hair stuff for me?
Wife: Mystery solved. You just want to avoid having to go inside Ulta, don’t you?
Girl at the checkout counter: “Has anyone ever told you you look like Kate, you know, like Prince William’s Kate?”
Well no, they haven’t. (Probably because I don’t.) But if shopping at Home Depot in my work clothes gets me such flattering compliments, I’m going to schedule more after-work Home Depot stops.
Wife: I want to go see an active volcano together. Let’s add that to our list.
Husband: F that. I want to live. I don’t like volcanoes.
Wife: C’mon! Live on the wild side!
Husband: You never know when it’s going to blow. There’s a reason people die; it’s because they’re taken by surprise. (insert list of catastrophic volcano eruptions throughout history)
Husband: Yeah. Especially if I’m preparing for longevity by eating mostly plants. If you want to go traipsing around volcanoes I’m gonna start smoking and eating burnt steak every night.
While I was cooking dinner this evening, B interrupted to give me a long hug and a kiss. Then this:
B: We’ve had some good times, haven’t we baby?
C: Yes, I think so. but you say that like you’re about to put me out.
B: Haha! Yeah, I’m planning to sell you when we go to Europe.
C: Oh. Okay.
B: I think you’ll do all right for yourself.