Jasper does not approve of this post.

At first I wasn’t particularly interested in finding out why the Twilight series had become so popular. My coworker / officemate / lunchtime book club friend tried to coax me into reading the books, but I resisted and made fun of her for being captivated by teenage angst-ridden vampire love stories. I’m still not sure what eventually changed my mind, but after a while–I was way behind the times–I took the plunge.

Even when the teenage angst oozed from the pages, I was nonetheless captivated by the story because of its fresh take on vampire lore. I wound my way through the books, hiding the book jackets when I read during my lunch breaks and trying to avoid screaming masses of women who, when they saw me carrying the book tucked under my arm, would stampede me in their rush to profess their love for the series, for Edward, for Bella, for Taylor Lautner’s abs. (True story. I haven’t been inside a shopping mall since that fateful day.) I didn’t want people to one day spot me reading cheesy vampire mush and assume the wrong thing about me, so for several weeks I did everything short of carrying with me a sign reading “Don’t judge me for reading this. I ran like hell away from my teenage years, and I usually read more dignified books than this vampire smut.” (Like the Sookie Stackhouse series. *cough*)

When New Moon hit theaters I laughed at my friends who called in sick to celebrate the occasion. The months passed, and so did my interest in seeing the second film. But as luck would have it (oh joy of all joys!) the film found its way to me before Netflix could release a copy. The DVD release of New Moon was marked by a double-feature at the re-opening of our area drive-in theater. It didn’t matter what the theater decided to show on the first weekend of its open season; we needed the celebrate the fact that we have an operating drive-in theater by being in attendance. So when B asked if I was interested in making a date of it we loaded the dogs, some blankets, and a cooler full of munchies into the truck and we crossed the state line to the local drive-in theater. It was kind of painful to sit through the first movie again, but I think I felt a twinge of something like giddiness–or was that indigestion?–when the second film began.

Brace yourself.

Kristen Stewart grosses me out more each time I see her, regardless of the film she’s in. I’m okay with a certain degree of typecasting, but her every role is that of an over-exaggerated insecure and moody teenager. I swear, half of Twilight was shots of stormy-eyed Bella pushing her hair out of her face! The costume directors must have caught on to this, though, because by New Moon I noticed they’d bought her a little headband to keep his stringy hair out of her eyes for some of the scenes.

This kind of counters my argument about hair in the face being a bad thing. MORE! We’re gonna need MORE hair in the face!

I’m still not quite certain how his vampire role vaulted Robert Pattinson to heartthrob status, either, especially given how clown-like he appears with all the white makeup and red lipstick. Does anyone else remember him first as Cedric Diggory? Because in our house it’s difficult to forget. Anytime he sees, hears, or smells a reference to Twilight, B starts yelling “And here’s Cedric Diggory! He’s going to try to win the TriWizard Cup!” With that going on I really just can’t take the guy seriously. (By “the guy” I mean both Cedward and my husband.)

pew pew!

And what’s this about Taylor Lautner’s abs? I was too distracted to notice them since I halfway expected Jacob to rip off his clothes–or what was left of them–and start making out with Cedward on-screen. I know teenagers are now into androgyny and all, but aren’t werewolves supposed to be hairy and uber masculine?

Yer doin’ it wrong.

One vampire I love, both in the books and on-screen, is Alice. She’s a fun, quirky character and the girl casted for the part is oh-so-cute. I have no trash to talk here, moving on.

B’s favorite character who always makes him laugh just by momentarily appearing on-screen is Jasper. His uptight, lurking presence and permanently hungry expression–true to his written character–are pretty funny. He looks like someone welded a curtain rod to his spine and stuck cheap colored contacts on him before ordering him to stare straight ahead and pretend not to smell the dead animal taped to his chest.

Engage the eyebeams of disapproval!